This is my letter to You Lord. Since my hands can barely write right now I have come to the keyboard in hopes to start truly following you again. It's beeen a while since I journaled and I think we both know where I'm at spiritually speaking. I have been struggling and that's a fact but I know You are who You say you are no matter what my eyes may see and I know You do what You say will do because You are faithful. You are real. You are the One true thing. The One that never changes. And although my eyes have been looking every which way but You I am here now and I still believe. Lead me in the way everlasting, and help me to love You better Father.

Worthless?

This morning all I kept thinking when I woke up was...I don't know what my worth is. I mean, I know I'm not worthless, I've been under the shadow of Your wings long enough to know that whether the lie creeps up or not. But this morning, it was just this overwhelming feeling...go to the word...go to the word..that's where you find your worth.

So as I sat down with You...this is what You said...

~you are worth snatching from the flames

~you are worth fixing

~you are worth never giving up on

~you are worth cherishing

~you are worth lavishing gifts upon

~you are worth picking up the broken pieces again and again

~you are worth the broken heart from watching you chase after countless lovers and idols

~you are worth sending My Son, my very own Son, who was with Me since the beginning of time. Worth sending Him to stand in your place take your punishment. You are worth a tortured beating, thorns in skull, nails in hand, spit in face, you are worth the mocking, the bleeding, the face of God turned away.

~you are worth My endless ocean of Love.

You [Judah] shall no more be termed Forsaken, nor shall your land be called Desolate any more. But you shall be called Hephzibah [My delight is in her], and your land be called Beulah [married]; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married [owned and protected by the Lord]. ~Isaiah 62:4~

Behold, I have indelibly imprinted (tattooed a picture of) you on the palm of each of My hands; [O Zion] your walls are continually before Me. ~Isaiah 49:16~

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul will exult in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. ~Isaiah 61:10~

He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. ~Song of Solomon 2:4~

What wasn't a blog post now is I suppose

I know....it's been a while. I don't write, I sat down in an effort tonight, but I could not do it once again. Oh how I love You Lord. How I adore You. How I could understand how You would have no idea I did because I have a funny way of showing it.
But I do love You. I do long for You. You are my only Hope. You are my Reason.......and still nothing....but love...hidden and squelched and desperate for perfection of self and faithfulness of self.
But You...You are always....Faithful.

Faithful:

STEADY IN ALLEGIANCE OR AFFECTION; LOYAL; CONSTANT

Yes. That is You. Steady in Your allegiance.....Steady oh so Steady in Your affections...so Constant...so Loyal.

You are unfailing, unending, unceasing, chasing, captivating, overtaking Love.

Concerning my husband....

These are the words I heard You speak to me this morning.

"Treat Brent as King no matter what. Fairness does not factor in . I am not Judge and Vvindicator. God is.
I am to be humble at all times, loving, indebted to love and to prefer others. "

Daddy...

Daddy, I long for Your return. I am so tired of tragedy being all around me, heartbreak, death, despair, brokenness, everywhere. We watch a heart wrenching movie clip on how some poor kid was beaten for four days and then died, we cry a little or a lot and then we go back to making our B.L.T'S, washing laundry, or the new season of Survivor.
I'm pretty sure David would have went about wailing in sackcloth and ashes pouring his heart out to You. In days of old, men would even shave their heads or cut themselves in lament. But what do we do?
Nothing.
I'm just so tired of it Daddy. I just don't want to hear it anymore. I don't want to see it anymore, I don't want there to be anymore.
How many more countless people have to perish every day because of our laziness to reach out? Did anyone speak of Christ to the man who beat that baby boy to death? Had anyone prayed with him before? Maybe they did and he rejected Christ, but more likely than that no one ever did and a tragic thing that could have been prevented never was.
What about the girls being sold to men in our very cities? Where are the faithful and desperate followers banging on the doors to plead with them for their lives?
Or how about the Asian massage parlors/whore houses I know about in my town of Tulsa? Why haven't I gone and told them about Jesus?
My behavior is despicable - my complacency disgusts me.
I pray Lord God that zeal for Your house would so take over me, that I could do nothing apart from bringing You glory, that My heart would be so filled with You that it would have no choice but to pour forth from my mouth.
As it is now, there is no way that I could say I have run the race I may obtain the prize and to think of being prized for my behavior doesn't excite me...it sickens me.
I cling to You Lord, don't let me go on not making a difference. My very heart feels as though it would burst in my chest if I continued on this way, I feel their blood on my hands.

Empower me
Make me bold as a lion
But gentle as a dove
Wise as a serpent

May zeal for Your house consume my life and the lives of those around me.

'Then I said, "Ah, Lord God! Behold I cannot speak, for I am a youth." But the Lord said to me: "Do not say, "I am a youth, " For you shall go to all whom I send you, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of their faces for I am with you to deliver you." says the Lord.
Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me, "Behold, I have put My words in your mouth"..."I am ready to perform My word." (Jeremiah 1:6-9,12b)


Your words were found, and I ate them and Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart; for I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts. (Jeremiah 15:16)

Thinking on our daily bread...a.k.a. Food for Thought

Food for Thought....

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. ~Romans 1:18,19~

Okay, so this is awesome to me. What I gather from this is the wrath of God comes down on all unrighteousness (okay we already know that) but it says of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness (interesting way to look at it I think). We suppress the truth in our unrighteousness. Addicted...just suppressing the truth. Liar...just suppressing the truth. Fearful...just suppressing the truth. Thief, murderer, rapist, homosexual, glutton, gossiper...the list goes on and on the bible says we invent new ways of doing evil, so let's just stop there.

My point here is all of it starts with the suppression of truth. What's the truth? God is my source, He will supply all my needs according to His riches in glory, He said fear not nor be dismayed, I am with you always even unto the ends of the earth. He said I should make my body subject to Him and me, my body is the temple, it is no longer I who live but Christ lives in me, seek first the kingdom of God, fast, pray, be righteous, humble yourself seek My face, turn from wicked ways, if something causes you to sin, cut it out of your life...LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR!!!! That is how we are to be known, how we are supposed to stand out. Not because we look nice on Sunday mornings, not because we wear a wwjd bracelet or have a stinking fish on our car...it's by our love!!!!!!!!!! That's the truth, everything can be summed up in Love. I f you don't know what to do in a situation...if you're lost or confused or don't know what to do next...that answer is probably Love! If it's not a person you should be loving on at that moment than it's God, turn your eyes to the Savior, the Lamb that was slain, and love on Him. Praise Him with your lips, and love on Him!! And if you don't have that in you, or of it seems funny or weird...tell Him so. Ask, Him to make it real.

Lord, You alone are God. You alone are good! There is no other God, no other Rock! You made the heavens and the Earth and You hold them in place. Lord, we come to seek Your face, to receive Your wisdom and grace, and to be taught to be more like You. Lord let us love You more. It is only by Your grace we are able to do it at all, and when it doesn't "feel" right remind us everything we do shall be by faith. We praise You the God we can't see by faith. We offer the praises of our lips(something that seems like nothing to us) to bless Your name by faith that it please You. God we believe in Your word, we believe in Your Son, we long for Your return, and Lord we pray that we would not suppress the truth anymore, but we would live a life of truth, in the light. And that when people see us they would know Who's we are because of our love.
In Jesus Name, Amen

What's in your heart?

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit." ~Proverbs 18:21~

"....For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" Matthew 12:34

"I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." ~Psalm 119:11~


Well, it's official...I found out a little bit about what's been hiding in my heart.
You think you know what's in your heart...I mean after all, it is your heart, right? Wrong. Our lives and bodies are not our own anymore, and besides that God is the only one who knows the intentions of the heart. Sometimes I fret about that....not knowing what's in there, ahhhh but fear not!!! Whatever is in there will eventually come spillin out!!!
I say this with sarcasm this morning, because I can look back upon last night and somehow ( I know how, it's all because if You)not beat myself up about it, but rather learn, and move on from it! Thank you Jesus!

So, what does it mean that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, anyways? Well, for me it means that whatever I've been feeding my heart... it's gonna give right back to me by way of my mouth. And it did!!! Neither my heart or mouth have been laying down on the job!! Infact they went above and beyond the call of duty last night. That is for darn sure!!

I have been naive in the past, and irresponsible. I have blamed others for what I have done. Infact the past can also be called last night. Nevertheless it is the past. And today is a new day, there is no blaming others for me today, today I take responsibility for my actions and examine my ways closely. Well, I don't even have to examine closely. After the fallout around here last night it is plainly sitting in front of me.!!; -)

And allthough I have been feeding my heart good things, reading the word and what not, trying to fill it with His precious promises, life and truth, I can see plainly now that I have also been feeding it contempt, vicious anger, resentment, hate, disrespect, dishonor, superiority and many other things which are not worth naming at this time.

Soooo...how do I fix this problem? Well, first repent!! Then get back on the wagon of love. Yes, yes, it's true there is a wagon of love...haha!! No, seriously though. I know where the problem lies, it's in taking my thoughts captive to the obedience of the word. I have been trying to pick up the slack on this, but there has been a long time of letting my thoughts roam free and it has taken its tole on my heart.
From now on, I will take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. So, when( i think) my husband makes me mad, or has the wrong attitude, or doesn't do things quite right or whatever the case may be, instead of thinking in my head (like I always do) that I am superior, I would do this better, he's immature why can't he be this or that or do it this way or that way or whatever, instead of thinking those things, I am going to cast them down! Because the bottom line in all of this, is I have control! God gave it to me! And when I think any thought whatsoever it better line up with the word of God, because if it can't be found in there, it doesn't belong in here. I am a child of the King!!! My body is a living sacrifice and every inch of me is supposed to be an instrument of love! He is Love, He is in me, I have been crucified, it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me!!!! Every inch of me, is Him if I allow it to be. I can take back control (as i did last night) at any point in time if I choose to, or I can let Him shine through me.
I am thankful for His words, His wisdom, and His Holy Spirit. And allthough, I spewed venoum last night, I see now that it had to happen. It was a purging of sorts. He let me do my thing and has shown me the error of my ways. I am not haunted by last night, I am empowered by today. The entrance of His words brings light to me!!

Father, Holy are You, righteous and true! There is no other God, there is no other Rock! You are the holy One. You are Faithful, Your kindness to me is everlasting. I am so overwhelmed by Your love and grace, I can literally feel You here with me, speaking to me...who am I? I see now that I am Yours, I see my name carved into the palms of Your hands, I see my name and my steps on Your lips. You care so much for me...and I cannot even understand how much. All of Your thoughts towards me are holy, and Your love is everlasting. Thank You for the mercy seat!! Thank You for pouring Your mercy out on me. I see now the error of my ways, and am truly so thankful for Your wisdom, and light!!! I am so thankful to see Your progress in me, I am thankful that You have taught me to not beat myself up anymore, and cling to Your grace!! You have taught me that what is behind is behind whether it be last year, last night, or two minutes ago. You made time and it matters not in the past. The past is the past. I am forgiven, because Jesus was forsaken.
Father, I need You! You know this. Holy Spirit, please show me my thoughts at every moment!! Don't let me let my mind run free!! I want it to be subject to me! I want a sound mind and I know You have granted it to me. Thank You for a sound mind, thank You for Your words hidden in my heart. Thank You that soon all that will be pouring out of my heart is Your word!! Thank You that You love me. Thank You that as I request it, so shall it be because the answers are Yes and Amen. Guide me, teach me, and help me to be slow to speak, not provoked to wrath, not angry, not malicious, but always reaching out and speaking forth Your love! I need Your healing love to pour forth from my mouth today, and everyday here after. I love You Father, You are glorious, and I am overwhelmed by Your faithfulness and love!
In Jesus name I pray, Amen

Sooo...what will I do? I will take every thought captive to the obedience of God's word. If it's not in there I'm not gonna dwell on it!! I will speak forth positive things. I will thank God for my strong husband, who is kind and gentle, and loving. I will thank Him for the work He is doing in my husband's life, preparing Him for the path He has for him. I will thank Him for the love and peace that is brewing in my husband's heart!!! I will begin to confess with my mouth the wonderful things about my husband whether they are visible to me at the time or not!!!!!!!!!
I will continue to read Your word and speak it in and out of season!! I will be blessed as my house is filled with God's light!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

" The entrance of Your words gives light;
It gives understanding to the simple." ~Psalm 119:130~

"“The Spirit of the LORD spoke by me,And His word was on my tongue." ~2 Samuel 23;2~

"His mouth is full of cursing and deceit and oppression;Under his tongue is trouble and iniquity. ~Psalm 10:7~
"Keep your tongue from evil,And your lips from speaking deceit." ~ Psalm 34:13~

"My soul is among lions;I lie among the sons of men Who are set on fire, Whose teeth are spears and arrows, And their tongue a sharp sword." ~ Psalm 57:4~

"Who sharpen their tongue like a sword,And bend their bows to shoot their arrows—bitter words" ~Psalm 64:3~

"The tongue of the righteous is choice silver; The heart of the wicked is worth little." ~ Proverbs 10:20~

"There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, But the tongue of the wise promotes health." ~ Proverbs 12:18~

"A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, But perverseness in it breaks the spirit."~ Proverbs 15:4~

"Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things.See how great a forest a little fire kindles! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell....But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison." ~James 3:5-8~


"I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." ~Psalm 119:11~